Fantasy Football

I used to watch football for sporting reasons. Not at the ground, obviously. Paying £45 a throw to watch a team with whom my links are tenuous at best is not really for me. However I do confess to being a Liverpool fan and a fan of the game in general, and so watch as much as possible of the endless tripe served up by our friends at Sky Sports.

But my reason for doing so is changing quickly. For the last three seasons I have been watching my football with half an eye on my Fantasy Football team. It was just a passing interest at first, but it has gone so far that this past Sunday I found myself willing Manchester United to keep a clean sheet at Fulham. That they not only failed to do so but also conceded a last-minute equaliser irritated me greatly. Yes there was the consolation of knowing that their glory-hunting fans would be suffering, but what about the points lost for my team by Edwin Van Der Sar?

I now participate in five Fantasy Football Leagues and have become alarmingly competetive. The above is just one example. You should have heard my reaction when I learned half an hour before kick-off that Wayne Rooney would not be playing due to a stomach bug. I hate Wayne Rooney. Ok, maybe hate is a strong word, but I have little time for anyone who kisses his badge one minute and then swears at his fans the next. Rooney's foul-mouthed tirades against anyone who gets in his way on a football field show him up for the poor role model that he is. And he looks like a cross between Pob and an ape. But he is, or was this week at any rate, my Fantasy Football captain and his points would therefore have counted double. But two times nothing is nothing!

So far this season I have managed to avoid choosing anyone for my team who was playing against Liverpool. But this is not, as you may have hoped, because I don't want to have my loyalty tested, but more because of the difficulty ordinarily provided by playing Liverpool. Seasoned Fantasy Leaguers know there is little to be gained from players faced with a trip to Anfield or a visit from Roy Hodgson's side, even allowing for their recent decline. Far better to pin your hopes on a Chelsea player at Wigan or an Arsenal star at home to Blackpool. That way lies points, and points are all that really matter. As it turns out I could have thrown my lot in with Manchester City in last night's game and done quite well out of it, but the 3-0 drubbing they handed out to Liverpool was a result that few Fantasy League players will have seen coming.

Similarly, if I have considered but decided against selecting a Liverpool player for my team I will become angry if they do well. I wouldn't pick Dirk Kuyt for a park team, but if I know a league rival has him in his or her side I will curse furiously if he then goes on to do well. All of which all but eliminates the former joy I would have felt at seeing my team score. Thankfully, I don't expect Dirk or Liverpool to get that many this season on the evidence of the City debacle.

Of course the other major factor in Fantasy League is that it has no respect for gender. Professional football is very definitely a man's world but when it comes to Fantasy managers the ladies can be as good if not better. Not that I am the Fantasy League equivalent of Brian Clough or anything, but I was beaten by a female last season and I feel no extra shame. Only the shame I feel anyway at being bested by my office colleagues. The physicality of real football is removed here, so that anyone with a reasonable knowledge of the game can be competetive. So long as they remember to make their alloted transfers before the 11.30 am Saturday deadline.

Today is Tuesday and so there is another round of this madness looming in just four days. I just know that rivals everywhere are studying their team, going over possible permutations in their minds. Who to bring in? Who to leave out? Who's going to get a hatful against Wigan this week? Can they afford to bring in Theo Walcott now his value has shot up with that hat-trick against Blackpool? Yet nobody will make any changes, not yet. There are Carling Cup and European games for Premier League players to get through in midweek, and nobody can risk any of their choices getting injured. Otherwise they will end up with a Rooney situation, feeling disappointed that someone that they would otherwise loathe is unable to contribute to their points tally.

And for what? Bragging rights. That's it. No money, no prizes, certainly no extra kudos with the opposite sex (in fact considerably less if anything because you're now officially a geek), no nothing. Nothing but the right to say to your mates that you are better than them at predicting who might score, get an assist, save a penalty or get a clean sheet on a given Premier League weekend.