The NFL For Heathens

Following my recent post on the NFL game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Denver Broncos at Wembley there were some (well two) interesting comments. One accused me of being a turncoat for daring to watch a sport that patently is not rugby league, and another just wanted more information. More information, or else forget about it completely and just get something written about The Ashes and/or ice hockey.

The former is ironic since it came from a passionate Manchester United fan. What sport do they play? Apart from bitching, whining and time-keeping that is.

The Ashes does hold my interest and, if I can wangle some flexi or annual leave, there will be nights when I sit up watching ball-by-ball coverage of some part of the test match series. Yet it is still three weeks away and, given my knowledge of ice hockey is limited to the player database on the fantastic Nintendo Wii version of NHL 2K10, I'm going to have a go at explaining the NFL to, as the comment put it, the Heathens. Yes, that's you if you have never heard of Peyton Manning and you think that the term Nickelback refers to a drawling rock band with questionable facial hair.

To be honest, you really should know something about this by now. Coverage of the NFL in the UK started in 1982. Back then bearded midget Nicky Horne was the presenter, despite the fact that he knew about as much about the sport as you do. Yet his impish, sinister appearance belied a friendly charm. It was that charm which helped those of us with enough patience to endure obnoxious American culture to learn together.

By the mid-80's American Football and the NFL was as popular as big hair and rampant capitalism. Ok, maybe not that popular but you weren't really anyone if you hadn't by now chosen your team. Mine was the 49ers, based entirely on the fact that they won the first game I ever saw, SuperBowl XIX. That's 19 to those of us still living in the real world. They defeated the Miami Dolphins 38-16 and a glory hunter was born.

The 49ers were led by ice cool Joe Montana, while the Dolphins had the gun-slinging, record-breaking but ultimately trophy-less Dan Marino at quarterback. For the purposes of the idiot's guide the quarterback is the most important player in the team. So long as his team have the ball, that is. When they don't, he gets to sit down by the heater/fan (delete as appropriate) and sip on some Gatorade. It's the quarterback's job to guide the team in possession of the ball (the offense) down the field towards the opponents goal-line and, if he's been really good, the end zone.

He does this by either passing it forwards downfield to fast players with good hands known as wide receivers, by handing it off to to quick, powerful and elusive running backs, or by tucking it under his arm and running like Hell rugby-style. This third option is the rarest seen, as most quarterbacks have all the mobility of a slug pulling a BMX up a mountain. There is another eligible ball carrier and receiver on the 'offense', the amusingly named tight end, though many teams use theirs as an extra blocker to open up space for the speed men.

The rest of the offense is made up of tough, chunky blokes whose job it is simply to block any defensive players charging at and walloping the quarterback. The first objective of any defence is to tackle or 'sack' the quarterback to force the offence backwards. This is mainly the job of defensive linemen, although the more athletic linebackers are often adept at sacking also, while the defensive backs are charged with the job of man-marking any potential pass receivers.

Of course this is a pretty difficult job so the defence doesn't have to to do it all day with no reward. The offence gets four attempts to move the ball 10 yards. These attempts, or downs as they are known, are a series of set plays in which the central offensive lineman (the centre) passes (snaps) the ball back between his legs to the quarterback following some indecipherable shouting and coded messaging that appears to always end with the word 'hutt'. There is nobody in the known universe who knows why this should be the trigger word. It just is.

If the ball cannot be advanced the 10 yards needed for a new set of 'downs' then the offense is faced with a choice. They can either 'punt' the ball downfield (similar to a territorial kick downfield in rugby league or union) or, if they are close enough, attempt a field goal. For both of these acts a specialist player is used, one whom you will not see on the field for any other situation except perhaps a kick-off following a score or at the start of each half.

For field goals, the kicker stands about eight yards behind the snapper and waits for a team-mate to hold the ball for the kick. The goalposts are at the back of the end zone so if a team is stopped on third down 10 yards from the end zone, the field goal will cover those 10 yards, the eight yards back to the holder and the kicker, and the 10 yards from the goal-line to the goalposts, making it a 28-yard attempt. That's not important really, but Americans love nothing if not stats. Counting yardage in American football is almost it's raison d'etre.

What is important is the scoring system. There are numerous ways to score in American Football, which is a concept which a lot of footbal fans I know seem to struggle to get their heads around. The scoring methods are;

Touchdown 6 Points - Carrying the ball into or catching it inside the end zone.
Extra Point 1 Point - Following a touchdown the scoring team gets the chance to add a further point by kicking a field goal. The ball is placed at the two-yard line for this attempt.
Two-Point Conversion - As it's name implies this is worth two points following a touchdown (making a total of 8 if successful). A team can choose to run or pass the ball back into the end zone rather than attempt an extra point via a field goal. Again the ball is placed at the two-yard line for this attempt.
Field Goal - Three Points - A team running out of downs may elect to kick for goal if they have advanced close enough to the opponents' goal-post.
Safety - Two Points - The only score which can be achieved solely by a team's defence, a safety is achieved by tackling the ball carrier (most often the quarterback) behind his own goal line and so in his own end zone.

So they're the basics on the field, now to choose your team. The NFL comprises 32 teams who are split into two 16-team conferences. The original NFL (National Football League) and AFL (American Football League) were rival organisations in years gone by, but by 1966 they had decided to pit their wits against each other to see which was the strongest. So, the Super Bowl concept was born. By 1970 the AFL had been completely swallowed up by the NFL and after some random re-alignment, the NFC (National Football Conference) and AFC (Yes you guessed it, American Football Conference) were formed.

The carving doesn't end there. Each conference has four divisions, a north, south, east and west division, all of which have four teams. In the main these have been created according to the geography, but nothing short of a flat out refusal to do away with old rivalries keeps the San Francisco 49ers in the same division as the St.Louis Rams. Teams will play each of the teams in their own division both home and away to account for six of their 16 fixtures, and will play four more against the teams in one of the divisions from the opposite conference. This rotates each season so that if the NFC West 49ers play against the teams in the AFC West this season, they might play against the teams from the AFC East the following season, then the South and finally the North in the fourth year of the cycle.

The remaining six games on the schedule seem arbitrary to the casual observer, but they are based on the final standings from the previous season. A team finishing with a poor win-loss record will in theory be given fixtures against similarly poor teams, while the previous season's big-shots will be more likely to face off against their toughest competitors from elsewhere in the Conference. At the end of it all, each division winner and the two teams with the next best win-loss records in each conference advance to the play-offs. The majority of these are played within conference, with the only exception being the Super Bowl. The all-singing, all-dancing NFL extravaganza sees the NFC champion lock horns with the AFC champion in a winner-takes-all fight to the death. Well, till the next advert break at any rate.

To help you decide upon your team, here's a less than handy guide;

AFC East

Miami Dolphins - Popular in the 80's thanks to Marino. Silly nickname but good enough for Ace Ventura.
New England Patriots - A UK favourite due largely to the presence of the word 'England' in their name. Hugely successful in recent years under legendary coach Bill Belichek and quarterback Tom Brady.
New York Jets - An acquired taste. Green uniforms.
Buffalo Bills - Lost four Super Bowls in a row in the early 90's, but have been routinely awful for some time now.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers - Currently very strong but never seem to get over that final hurdle of actually winning a Super Bowl.
Oakland Raiders - Formerly the Los Angeles Raiders (teams can move cities on a whim, isn't that great? Er.....no) the silver and black were massive in the 70's and 80's, especially under the coaching of John Madden.
Denver Broncos - Twice Super Bowl winnners in the late 90's with John Elway at the helm, but pretty average these days.
Kansas City Chiefs - Terminally mediocre, although they did win Super Bowl IV in 1970.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers - Super Bowl champions a record six times, the last of those coming in 2008 with victory over the Arizona Cardinals.
Cleveland Browns - A team with a complicated history, but they are actually one of the newest NFL franchises. It's a long story involving.........
Baltimore Ravens - Began life aeons ago as...........the Cleveland Browns. Moved to Baltimore to allow someone to start a franchise called.........the Cleveland Browns. The Ravens are a solid contender built on a fantastic defence.
Cincinnati Bengals - Despite signing star wide receiver Terrell Owens in 2010 the Bengals are just one of those sides that always come up short.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts - A popular choice these days thanks to an explosive offense led by the Marino-esque Peyton Manning. Formerly the Baltimore Colts until........oh...we're not going there again.
Tenessee Titans - Presently dominated by the exploits of running back Chris Johnson, who routinely runs for over 2,000 yards in a season and is on course to break the all-time rushing record. Unfortunately this makes the Titans rather one-dimensional and stops them winning more often.
Houston Texans - Another new franchise who are rapidly improving. Their time will come, soon.
Jacksonville Jaguars Florida's third team struggle to take the headlines from the Dolphins and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys - The self proclaimed 'America's Team' are loathed by many for this very reason, but they have a tradition of success having won five Super Bowls. Not this year though, with just one win from their first seven outings.
New York Giants - Super Bowl champions just a few seasons ago, the Giants are infinitely better than the Jets and are led by Peyton Manning's younger, more petulant brother Eli.
Washington Redskins - Another firm favourite with Brits after a successful period during the early 80's under coach Joe Gibbs, quarterback Joe Theismann and running machine John Riggins. Haven't won a Super Bowl since 1991, however.
Philadelphia Eagles - Coach Andy Reid is one of the best in the NFL, but somehow the Eagles have never been quite strong enough to go all the way.

NFC West

San Francisco 49ers - Don't make the mistake I did. This lot promised much this year and have been woeful, winning only two out of eight so far. Five Super Bowls in the 80's and 90's represents a glorious past, however.
Arizona Cardinals - Unexpected Super Bowl runners-up two years ago, the Cardinals have faded back into obscurity. Receiver Larry Fitzgerald could be the best in the league. Arizone used to be the St.Louis Cardinals until........D'oh!
St.Louis Rams - The ironies are everywhere aren't they? The Rams swept to the 1999 championship with the offence known as the Greatest Show On Turf. Then running back Marshall Faulk retired and quarterback Curt Warner ended up in Arizona.
Seattle Seahawks - The Seahawks are traditional AFC West rivals but were moved over to the NFC for somone's benefit a decade or so ago. They have been to the Super Bowl since, but don't threaten to return any time soon.

NFC North

Chicago Bears - In 1985 the Bears captured the public's imagination as William 'The Refrigerator' Perry wobbled his way across the goal-line for several touchdowns despite having been brought in to play on defence. Brash quarterback Jim McMahon and legendary runner Walter Payton added a nice blend for the Super Bowl XX winners, who will challenge again this year.
Green Bay Packers - Won the first two Super Bowls ever played, and were so revered that coach Vince Lombardi even had the Super Bowl trophy named after him. The Packers added another one in the 90's and are strong contenders this time out too.
Detroit Lions - Have the honour of having been home to the league's greatest ever running back in Barry Sanders. Otherwise. Forget. It.
Minnesota Vikings - Pensionable quarterback Brett Favre is still trying to relive his glory days in Green Bay. And failing. The Vikings can match the Bills dismal record of having lost four Super Bowl games.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons - The epitome of inconsistency at the moment, though should present a strong challenge soon. Once had the only Brit playing in the NFL in place-kicker Mick Luckhurst.
New Orleans Saints - Current Super Bowl champions, the Saints had never even reached the playoffs until the mid 90's. Strong again this year, with Drew Breese proving himself to among the best passers in the NFL.
Tampa Bay Bucaneers - Champions in 2002, the Glazer-owned Bucs have a mocked up pirate's ship at one end of their stadium. What could be better than that? And they used to wear orange.
Carolina Panthers - After a brief flirtation with the NFC West, the Panthers have proven just as adept at pointless mediocrity down south.