England took a significant stride towards retaining the Ashes with a whopping victory over a poor Australia in Adelaide.
Andrew Strauss' side won by an innings and 71 runs as an expected downpour failed to save the Aussies on the final morning. The tone was set in the very first over on the first morning when, after Simon Katich had been run out without facing a ball, skipper Ricky Ponting was then caught at slip by Graeme Swann off James Anderson for a first ball duck.
Only two runs were on the board when the duo hooked up again to remove the struggling Michael Clarke, leaving the home side bewildered and beleagured on 2-3. A partnership of 94 between Shane Watson and Michael Hussey steadied things a little for Ponting's side, but Anderson then struck again, having Watson caught in the gully by Kevin Pietersen for 51, and leaving Australia on 96-4.
Much like in the first test match it was Hussey and Brad Haddin who provided most of the resistance with the bat. After Marcus North was removed by Steven Finn for 26 the pair put on 51 to guide Australia to 201-6. However, the remaining four Aussie wickets fell for just 38 runs as the hosts were bowled out for 245 on what looked a more than decent batting track.
There was only time for one over at England's openers, much to the disgust of Ponting for whom clearly the strain was beginning to show. In a petulant display of whining and finger-wagging he accused Strauss and Alistair Cook of time-wasting as they saw out the final over of an eventful first day.
If Australia had had a bady day at the office on day one their troubles really started to mount when England batted. Strauss went cheaply for the second time in the series, but by the time Michael Clarke caught Jonathan Trott off Ryan Harris for 78 England had moved on to 176-2. With eight wickets in hand they were only 69 runs behind the Australians' first innings total. Worse was to come for the Aussie bowling attack as Pietersen entered the fray alongside Cook. The pair put on a walloping 275 for the third wicket, with Cook finally caught behind by Haddin off Harris just two runs short of 150.
Pietersen just went on and on, putting on another 101 alongside Paul Collingwood who was out lbw to Watson for 42. That left England 452-4, holding a lead of 207 as Ian Bell came to the crease. The Warwickshire batsman looked just as comfortable as those who had gone before him, helping Pietersen past his double century as England cruised serenely past 500. Pietersen eventually found Katich off the bowling of Xavier Doherty (left arm spinner, anyone?) for 227 yet still Strauss chose not to declare. Instead Matt Prior came in for some much needed practice, and was able to add 27 off just 21 balls before England finally folded their cards in on a barely conceivable 620-5.
All of which left Australia needing 376 in their second innnings just to make England bat for a second time. They were praying for rain on the final day. It had been forecast, but in the event came too late to save Ponting's side from a humiliating defeat. Despite offering credible resistance second time around, Australia could only find 304 in their second knock, with Swann claiming 5-91. The England spinner reminded everyone why he was being touted as England's key man before the series began, putting an ordinary performance in Brisbane in the first test well and truly behind him in this one.
There were also second innings wickets for Anderson (2-92), Finn (2-60) and even Pietersen whose dismissal of Clarke for 80 proved vital. The Australian vice-captain was caught by Cook, and with him went any realistic hopes the Aussies had of saving the match and going to Perth for the third test all-square. Instead, Ponting knows that his side must now win at least two of the three remaining tests to regain the Ashes from English clutches.
A lack of consistency in selection probably won't help Ponting. He is on the verge of becoming the first Australian captain to lose three Ashes series and has been thrown a few curve-balls by the selectors ahead of the Perth clash. Phil Hughes has had to come in to replace the injured Katich, but out by choice have gone Doug Bollinger, Doherty and North to be replaced by Mitchell Johnson, Ben Hilfenhaus and Steve Smith. Michael Beer is a real left-field selection as a left-arm spin option, sparking a fair bit of chat in the Australian press that the selectors might not be entirely sure what they are doing. Beer surely won't make the final 11, and so of the others only Smith seems likely to provide any genuine spark. Johnson toiled horribly in Brisbane and was dropped for the Adelaide clash, while Hilfenhaus was also deemed not good enough following his performance at the Gabba. Quite what has happened since to change the minds of the Australian selectors is a mystery as baffling as the inclusion of Beer. There's clearly a fair bit of desperation creeping into the decision-making processes.
By contrast England's only real problem is the injury to Stuart Broad. The Nottinghamshire quick has a side strain that will rule him out of the rest of the series (cue gags about the state of Ponting's side) and so England will need to find a replacement. Chris Tremlett was a front-runner before a creaky performance in the tour match against Victoria, so the selectors may yet opt to go for the more experienced Tim Bresnan. Anderson flew home to attend the birth of his child but should be back in time to play, while again Swann will provide the spin option as England look to put the series beyond their old rivals.
It is very difficult to see how Australia can take the 20 wickets they would need to win this one and get back into the series. Four of England's top seven are averaging over 100 in the series so far, while Prior's century in Victoria served notice that he too is well capable of piling on the runs if called upon. Expect England to be celebrating by the end of the fifth day's play at the WACA.
Monday, 13 December 2010
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
TV Hell - A Question Of Sport
Another Great British institution has been mercilessly destroyed with the new series of the BBC's long running sports quiz A Question Of Sport.
It's been inane drivel for some time now, but the new series has stooped to new depths. It's been moved to the later time slot of 10.35pm on a Monday night from it's former Friday slot at 7.30pm, and I'd suggest it has done so with ever more disastrous results.
Once upon a time, back in the good old days of David Coleman and the idiotic Emlyn Hughes, this used to be a sports quiz. A selection of sports personalities past and present would answer questions about sport. A very simple format, but one which worked perfectly well. Now, as I watch the annoyingly camp and ridiculous Matt Dawson take on the absurd Phil Tuffnell in games of charades and 'Stick The Tail On Gail Emms' arse' I long for the days when big but friendly beer-belly Bill Beaumont faced off with uber-mulleted cricketing legend Ian Botham. Now Sir Ian, if you don't mind. Which my mother does. Enormously.
The closest you came to forced humour in those days was the classic 'What Happened Next?' round. A tennis ball hitting some poor, unsuspecting line judge in the face or a miffed horse throwing some toff off it's back and into a stream seemed far more amusing than anything the current lot can come up with. Otherwise the comedy was much more natural. Hughes' legendary failure to identify the correct gender of Princess Anne springs immediateley to mind.
When there is a genuine sports question it is hopeleslly dumbed down so as not to embarrass any of the guests, lest they refuse to come back at a later date. You'll go a long way now to see any repeat of the staggering ineptitude of Jonathan Davies' performance on one particular occasion, while Ellery Hanley seemed equally incapable of answering simple questions on his own sport. Quite why it was always rugby league players who fluffed their lines I can't explain. Perhaps they're just the ones I remember most as I would most likely have been shouting the correct and obvious answer manically at the television set at the time. Only the team captains are denied protection now, with the old 'humiliate the skipper' gag just about the only thing to avoid the cull during the re-structure of the format. The only problem is that the contemporary captains are only too willing to play along with looking stupid and so the joke falls flat.
Fast forward to the present day and you don't even need to be a sports star to get on the show. Pointlessly, they've opened it up to any old celebrity with a spare hour who might just be trying to build or rebuild his or her career. Last night (December 6) we had the otherwise amusing Patrick McGuinness, with the real naffness provided by X-Factor warbler Olly Murs. What either knows about sport could be written on the back of one of Tuffnell's roll-up wacky-backy papers. All of which sends the whole thing into 'They Think It's All Over' or 'League Of Their Own' territory. Where once there was a sports quiz, now there is a 'knock-about' comedy show with a few party games thrown in. It's a tragic piece of television making, and doesn't even have the distinction of being original.
A Question Of Sport is one of the BBC's longest running shows, but on current form it can't be long before it is laid to rest and replaced by another God-awful reality show.
It's been inane drivel for some time now, but the new series has stooped to new depths. It's been moved to the later time slot of 10.35pm on a Monday night from it's former Friday slot at 7.30pm, and I'd suggest it has done so with ever more disastrous results.
Once upon a time, back in the good old days of David Coleman and the idiotic Emlyn Hughes, this used to be a sports quiz. A selection of sports personalities past and present would answer questions about sport. A very simple format, but one which worked perfectly well. Now, as I watch the annoyingly camp and ridiculous Matt Dawson take on the absurd Phil Tuffnell in games of charades and 'Stick The Tail On Gail Emms' arse' I long for the days when big but friendly beer-belly Bill Beaumont faced off with uber-mulleted cricketing legend Ian Botham. Now Sir Ian, if you don't mind. Which my mother does. Enormously.
The closest you came to forced humour in those days was the classic 'What Happened Next?' round. A tennis ball hitting some poor, unsuspecting line judge in the face or a miffed horse throwing some toff off it's back and into a stream seemed far more amusing than anything the current lot can come up with. Otherwise the comedy was much more natural. Hughes' legendary failure to identify the correct gender of Princess Anne springs immediateley to mind.
When there is a genuine sports question it is hopeleslly dumbed down so as not to embarrass any of the guests, lest they refuse to come back at a later date. You'll go a long way now to see any repeat of the staggering ineptitude of Jonathan Davies' performance on one particular occasion, while Ellery Hanley seemed equally incapable of answering simple questions on his own sport. Quite why it was always rugby league players who fluffed their lines I can't explain. Perhaps they're just the ones I remember most as I would most likely have been shouting the correct and obvious answer manically at the television set at the time. Only the team captains are denied protection now, with the old 'humiliate the skipper' gag just about the only thing to avoid the cull during the re-structure of the format. The only problem is that the contemporary captains are only too willing to play along with looking stupid and so the joke falls flat.
Fast forward to the present day and you don't even need to be a sports star to get on the show. Pointlessly, they've opened it up to any old celebrity with a spare hour who might just be trying to build or rebuild his or her career. Last night (December 6) we had the otherwise amusing Patrick McGuinness, with the real naffness provided by X-Factor warbler Olly Murs. What either knows about sport could be written on the back of one of Tuffnell's roll-up wacky-backy papers. All of which sends the whole thing into 'They Think It's All Over' or 'League Of Their Own' territory. Where once there was a sports quiz, now there is a 'knock-about' comedy show with a few party games thrown in. It's a tragic piece of television making, and doesn't even have the distinction of being original.
A Question Of Sport is one of the BBC's longest running shows, but on current form it can't be long before it is laid to rest and replaced by another God-awful reality show.
Monday, 29 November 2010
The Ashes: First Test
Trying to hold down a job has made it quite difficult to watch the progress of England's cricketers in the first Ashes Test against Australia in any depth, but I've seen enough to know that it might not go quite the way many pundits predicted.
In a drawn match there were a total of 1365 runs for the loss of only 22 wickets. Alistair Cook rattled up a huge double hundred, and there were centuries too for Andrew Strauss and Jonathan Trott, aswell as Michael Hussey in Australia's first innings knock of 481.
All of which run-feasting had seemed unlikely when England, having won the toss and chose to bat on the first day, were bowled out for 260. When Strauss was caught by Hussey off the bowling of Ben Hilfenhaus with just the third delivery of the match I feared the worst. Trott, Kevin Pietersen and Paul Collingwood followed not so long after, before Peter Siddle provided the game's last and most enduring bowling highlight. Siddle removed Cook, Matthew Prior and Stuart Broad in successive balls, claiming only the ninth hat-trick in Ashes history.
Australia's reply was impressive, with Hussey racking up a whopping 195 before falling to Steven Finn. By then he had helped put on a partnership of 307 with wicket-keeper batsman Brad Haddin, who himself managed 136. Despite Finn's best efforts (6-125), it looked ominous for England, who found themselves 221 runs behind at the start of their second innings. Yet the pitch was obviously flattening out, and wickets were about to become as rare as insight from Nasser Hussain.
Strauss brushed off the memory of his first innings duck to bag himself 110 before being stumped by Haddin off the bowling of Marcus North. England were 188-1 at that point, still trailing by 33 but with nine wickets in hand looking almost certain to save the match. That they did so with such apparent ease is surprising, and raises questions about how a pitch lively enough to see England bowled out on the opening day could be so friendly by the fifth.
So both sides go to Adelaide for the second Test which starts on Friday (December 3) all square. Both will be looking for a way to take the 20 wickets they will require to secure a win. England will hope Graeme Swann becomes more of a factor, while Australia may consider dropping Mitchell Johnson. They have already added Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger to the squad and Johnson's match figures of 0-170 leave him particularly vulnerable. Seemingly his decision to forget about swinging the ball and instead opting to 'just wang it down' didn't quite work out.
What we have learned is that the Aussies, as limited as they may be in the bowling department, have theh stomach for the fight. Pundits predicting a relatively straightforward English victory in this series might be forced to think again, especailly if every pitch is going to flatten out as generously as the one we saw in Brisbane.
In a drawn match there were a total of 1365 runs for the loss of only 22 wickets. Alistair Cook rattled up a huge double hundred, and there were centuries too for Andrew Strauss and Jonathan Trott, aswell as Michael Hussey in Australia's first innings knock of 481.
All of which run-feasting had seemed unlikely when England, having won the toss and chose to bat on the first day, were bowled out for 260. When Strauss was caught by Hussey off the bowling of Ben Hilfenhaus with just the third delivery of the match I feared the worst. Trott, Kevin Pietersen and Paul Collingwood followed not so long after, before Peter Siddle provided the game's last and most enduring bowling highlight. Siddle removed Cook, Matthew Prior and Stuart Broad in successive balls, claiming only the ninth hat-trick in Ashes history.
Australia's reply was impressive, with Hussey racking up a whopping 195 before falling to Steven Finn. By then he had helped put on a partnership of 307 with wicket-keeper batsman Brad Haddin, who himself managed 136. Despite Finn's best efforts (6-125), it looked ominous for England, who found themselves 221 runs behind at the start of their second innings. Yet the pitch was obviously flattening out, and wickets were about to become as rare as insight from Nasser Hussain.
Strauss brushed off the memory of his first innings duck to bag himself 110 before being stumped by Haddin off the bowling of Marcus North. England were 188-1 at that point, still trailing by 33 but with nine wickets in hand looking almost certain to save the match. That they did so with such apparent ease is surprising, and raises questions about how a pitch lively enough to see England bowled out on the opening day could be so friendly by the fifth.
So both sides go to Adelaide for the second Test which starts on Friday (December 3) all square. Both will be looking for a way to take the 20 wickets they will require to secure a win. England will hope Graeme Swann becomes more of a factor, while Australia may consider dropping Mitchell Johnson. They have already added Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger to the squad and Johnson's match figures of 0-170 leave him particularly vulnerable. Seemingly his decision to forget about swinging the ball and instead opting to 'just wang it down' didn't quite work out.
What we have learned is that the Aussies, as limited as they may be in the bowling department, have theh stomach for the fight. Pundits predicting a relatively straightforward English victory in this series might be forced to think again, especailly if every pitch is going to flatten out as generously as the one we saw in Brisbane.
Thursday, 25 November 2010
A Night At The Gabba
I haven't been trying but I would imagine if I were it would have been very hard to avoid the talk surrounding the start of the Ashes series.
For weeks now the papers have been full of speculation about who will do what, when, on what type of pitch, with many of them concluding that England have their best chance to win an Ashes series in Australia for almost 25 years. Certainly a better chance than last time they visited Down Under, when Steve Harimson's opening delivery to third slip set the tone for the abject 5-0 thumping which followed.
That came only 18 months on from the epic series in England in 2005, so it is to be hoped that England can hold on the the urn a little longer this time. Again, only 18 months have passes since Andrew Strauss and his team regained the Ashes on home soil. Perceived wisdom has it that since then England have improved while the Aussies have gone backwards. Any side would struggle to cope with the retirements of the likes of Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath, Matthew Hayden and Adam Gilchrist so it is perhaps unfair to be too critical. However, the new generation of Australian Test players do not hold anything like the same aura of their illustrious predecessors.
This being the first day of the series and with all sorts of chicanery in the diary as we get closer to Christmas, I took the opportunity to take some time off to tune in to Sky's live coverage of the first Test from Brisbane's famed Gabba cricket ground. The 10-hour time difference means that play starts at 12 midnight UK time, with a scheduled finish of 7.00am and scope to continue to 7.30 if there are delays or slow over rates. It was going to be a long night. Especially those parts of it during which Nasser Hussain is on commentary. Dull doesn't even begin to describe the former England captain, whose petulant on-air spats with Michael Atherton and Sir Ian Botham do at least provide the odd moment of comedy. Still, you get the feeling that their laughing at him and not with him. Quite why you seem to have to be a former England captain to get onto Sky's commentary team is beyond me.
For further amusement take a look around at some of the facial hair on show on the field of play. The Aussie bowling corps excels in this department, with Mitchell Johnson, Ben Hilfenhaus and Peter Siddle all sporting the kind of nose rug normally reserved for computer generated plumbers. Yet it is England's own Kevin Pietersen who takes the spoils. Pietersen comes across as someone who wouldn't want to be outdone at anything, be it batting, pop-star poking or moustahe-moulding. He doesn't let himself down in the latter category, that's for sure.
Just three balls into the day's play and the smile was wiped quickly and shockingly from my face. Strauss, having won the toss and elected to bat, cut scruffily at a very ordinary Hilfenhaus delivery and found only the waiting hands of Mike Hussey. It wasn't quite the embarrassment of Harmison's opening contribution in 2006/07, but 0-1 having just lost the wicket of your captain is a somewhat inglorious situation to be in. Coming in at number three Jonathan Trott seemed almost affronted.
He was nervous too, edging just short of the slips on one occasion and getting a streaky four with another unconvincing stab moments later. He was next to go after making 29, completely bamboozled by a bit of a ripper from Shane Watson. At least Alistair Cook was looking more solid at the other end. Cook made a cautious, almost painstaking 67, seeing both Pietersen and Paul Collingwood come and go as England's batting line-up began to look a little frail. Pietersen made an enterprising 43 and helped Cook put on a partnership of 76 for the third wicket, but was eventually caught by Australia captain Ricky Ponting off the bowling of Siddle. Ludicrous moustache or not, Siddle was to become the hero of the day for the home side.
It might not have looked that way when Collingwood confidently drove him through mid-on for four, but when the Durham man attempted to repeat the trick next ball he found only the edge of his bat, and Marcus North in the slips. England were now 125-4 and not looking so clever. When Watson caught Cook to give Siddle his third wicket it brought Matt Prior to the crease. Another good length delivery, another attempted drive, and Prior's off-pole was sent spinning around the turf. Two in two for the hitherto ordinary but honest toiler, with Stuart Broad next up. Steaming in and backed by a home crowd positively demanding more than a whiff of blood, Siddle crashed one into Broad's toes trapping him straight in front to complete only the ninth hat-trick in Ashes history.
Or so we thought. I'm going to have to have a moan at this point. The review system ruined what, had I been Australian, would have been a very exciting moment. Under ICC regulations captains are now permitted to challenge two umpiring decisions per innings in Test matches. It's a system which has worked to some degree in American Football and tennis, but there's little doubt that Broad's insistence on having a look at the replay took something away from the whole thing, and offered brief, cruel and pointless hope to this particular England fan. No blame should be attached to Broad. If the system is there he should use it if it means not being the victim of a bad decision. Yet in this case the claim that he had got outside the line or that the ball could be missing the stumps seemed a little frivolous. It was plum. As plum as a plumber's moustache.
By the second celebration of the hat-trick ball England were now 196-7 and relying heavily on Ian Bell, who had quietly gone about building a fine innings. He was joined at the crease by Graeme Swann who, although potentially the key man with the ball for England, couldn't contribute much with the bat. Siddle had him lbw for 10 with the score on 228-8. The England spinner had become Siddle's sixth victim, with the Aussie finally finishing the innings with career-best figures of 6-54.
The last two English wickets were claimed by Xavier Doherty, who had been a surprise inclusion in the side. At 28 and with only 30-odd first class games under his belt, Doherty replaced Nathan Hauritz in the selection to some degree of consternation in the Aussie press and media. Yet Bell was a key wicket for the Test debutant, with the Warwickshire man caught by Watson for 76. Jimmy Anderson's mandatory stubborn resistance ended when he was bowled on 11 by the man who David Lloyd reliably informs me is only the third Test cricketer to have a first name beginning with X. Those wickets would have made Doherty feel a lot better after earlier dropping Cook while the Essex opener was still on 26. England's total of 260 all out fell some way short of what had been expected, and certainly of what had been hoped for.
The Aussie openers faced a potentially tricky seven-over spell but came through unscathed to the close of play. Simon Katich has 15 while Watson partners him on 9 when play resumes at midnight tonight. For England's part, they will be hoping that Anderson and Broad can pick up a couple of wickets before lunch to enable Swann to work the magic that has seen him rise to second in the ICC world bowling rankings. Australia still trail by 235 as day two gets under way, so the game is still very much in the balance. Unfortunately it would be unwise to use all of my annual leave on the noble pursuit of watching cricket and Babestation, so it will be the weekend before I can spend any more quality time with Hussain, Atherton and Botham.
Or any other former England captains.
For weeks now the papers have been full of speculation about who will do what, when, on what type of pitch, with many of them concluding that England have their best chance to win an Ashes series in Australia for almost 25 years. Certainly a better chance than last time they visited Down Under, when Steve Harimson's opening delivery to third slip set the tone for the abject 5-0 thumping which followed.
That came only 18 months on from the epic series in England in 2005, so it is to be hoped that England can hold on the the urn a little longer this time. Again, only 18 months have passes since Andrew Strauss and his team regained the Ashes on home soil. Perceived wisdom has it that since then England have improved while the Aussies have gone backwards. Any side would struggle to cope with the retirements of the likes of Shane Warne, Glenn McGrath, Matthew Hayden and Adam Gilchrist so it is perhaps unfair to be too critical. However, the new generation of Australian Test players do not hold anything like the same aura of their illustrious predecessors.
This being the first day of the series and with all sorts of chicanery in the diary as we get closer to Christmas, I took the opportunity to take some time off to tune in to Sky's live coverage of the first Test from Brisbane's famed Gabba cricket ground. The 10-hour time difference means that play starts at 12 midnight UK time, with a scheduled finish of 7.00am and scope to continue to 7.30 if there are delays or slow over rates. It was going to be a long night. Especially those parts of it during which Nasser Hussain is on commentary. Dull doesn't even begin to describe the former England captain, whose petulant on-air spats with Michael Atherton and Sir Ian Botham do at least provide the odd moment of comedy. Still, you get the feeling that their laughing at him and not with him. Quite why you seem to have to be a former England captain to get onto Sky's commentary team is beyond me.
For further amusement take a look around at some of the facial hair on show on the field of play. The Aussie bowling corps excels in this department, with Mitchell Johnson, Ben Hilfenhaus and Peter Siddle all sporting the kind of nose rug normally reserved for computer generated plumbers. Yet it is England's own Kevin Pietersen who takes the spoils. Pietersen comes across as someone who wouldn't want to be outdone at anything, be it batting, pop-star poking or moustahe-moulding. He doesn't let himself down in the latter category, that's for sure.
Just three balls into the day's play and the smile was wiped quickly and shockingly from my face. Strauss, having won the toss and elected to bat, cut scruffily at a very ordinary Hilfenhaus delivery and found only the waiting hands of Mike Hussey. It wasn't quite the embarrassment of Harmison's opening contribution in 2006/07, but 0-1 having just lost the wicket of your captain is a somewhat inglorious situation to be in. Coming in at number three Jonathan Trott seemed almost affronted.
He was nervous too, edging just short of the slips on one occasion and getting a streaky four with another unconvincing stab moments later. He was next to go after making 29, completely bamboozled by a bit of a ripper from Shane Watson. At least Alistair Cook was looking more solid at the other end. Cook made a cautious, almost painstaking 67, seeing both Pietersen and Paul Collingwood come and go as England's batting line-up began to look a little frail. Pietersen made an enterprising 43 and helped Cook put on a partnership of 76 for the third wicket, but was eventually caught by Australia captain Ricky Ponting off the bowling of Siddle. Ludicrous moustache or not, Siddle was to become the hero of the day for the home side.
It might not have looked that way when Collingwood confidently drove him through mid-on for four, but when the Durham man attempted to repeat the trick next ball he found only the edge of his bat, and Marcus North in the slips. England were now 125-4 and not looking so clever. When Watson caught Cook to give Siddle his third wicket it brought Matt Prior to the crease. Another good length delivery, another attempted drive, and Prior's off-pole was sent spinning around the turf. Two in two for the hitherto ordinary but honest toiler, with Stuart Broad next up. Steaming in and backed by a home crowd positively demanding more than a whiff of blood, Siddle crashed one into Broad's toes trapping him straight in front to complete only the ninth hat-trick in Ashes history.
Or so we thought. I'm going to have to have a moan at this point. The review system ruined what, had I been Australian, would have been a very exciting moment. Under ICC regulations captains are now permitted to challenge two umpiring decisions per innings in Test matches. It's a system which has worked to some degree in American Football and tennis, but there's little doubt that Broad's insistence on having a look at the replay took something away from the whole thing, and offered brief, cruel and pointless hope to this particular England fan. No blame should be attached to Broad. If the system is there he should use it if it means not being the victim of a bad decision. Yet in this case the claim that he had got outside the line or that the ball could be missing the stumps seemed a little frivolous. It was plum. As plum as a plumber's moustache.
By the second celebration of the hat-trick ball England were now 196-7 and relying heavily on Ian Bell, who had quietly gone about building a fine innings. He was joined at the crease by Graeme Swann who, although potentially the key man with the ball for England, couldn't contribute much with the bat. Siddle had him lbw for 10 with the score on 228-8. The England spinner had become Siddle's sixth victim, with the Aussie finally finishing the innings with career-best figures of 6-54.
The last two English wickets were claimed by Xavier Doherty, who had been a surprise inclusion in the side. At 28 and with only 30-odd first class games under his belt, Doherty replaced Nathan Hauritz in the selection to some degree of consternation in the Aussie press and media. Yet Bell was a key wicket for the Test debutant, with the Warwickshire man caught by Watson for 76. Jimmy Anderson's mandatory stubborn resistance ended when he was bowled on 11 by the man who David Lloyd reliably informs me is only the third Test cricketer to have a first name beginning with X. Those wickets would have made Doherty feel a lot better after earlier dropping Cook while the Essex opener was still on 26. England's total of 260 all out fell some way short of what had been expected, and certainly of what had been hoped for.
The Aussie openers faced a potentially tricky seven-over spell but came through unscathed to the close of play. Simon Katich has 15 while Watson partners him on 9 when play resumes at midnight tonight. For England's part, they will be hoping that Anderson and Broad can pick up a couple of wickets before lunch to enable Swann to work the magic that has seen him rise to second in the ICC world bowling rankings. Australia still trail by 235 as day two gets under way, so the game is still very much in the balance. Unfortunately it would be unwise to use all of my annual leave on the noble pursuit of watching cricket and Babestation, so it will be the weekend before I can spend any more quality time with Hussain, Atherton and Botham.
Or any other former England captains.
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Ashes Fever
I've got Ashes Fever.
It started with the adverts. You know the ones I mean? Sky's super-hyped, grandiose promos for it's own coverage of the event. In the most recent, Sir Ian Botham takes time out from sponsored walks and philandering to act as rebel-rouser to the current England cricket squad, about to embark on another epic Ashes series.
Listening intently to the pep-talk are captain Andrew Strauss, along with Stuart Broad, Graeme Swann and someone else. I forget who. All are decked out in gladiatorial attire, trying manfully to look rugged and manly like Russell Crowe's Maximus. Except they're not really, are they? Broad and Swann could pass easily for women with a bit of slap in the right places, while Strauss is hardly a fearsome figure. His rallying cry as the group runs out onto the field of battle puts me in mind of Austin Healy's barmy bawling during his Paso Doble on Strictly some years ago. It's really not cricket, and yet somehow it still makes you wish your life away until the morning of that first test in Brisbane.
The predecessor to this, the one that really sparked the Ashes Fever, is starred in by Sky's commentary team. Botham has only a bit-part in this one. The true star is Shane Warne. He's having a bad dream. A dream in which all things English have taken over his sub-conscious Australia, where previously hunky surfers look like David Lloyd, and where all the beach babes wear the St.George cross on their bikinis. He wakes up to an even greater nightmare, that of having the Monty Burns-like noggin of Nasser Hussain just inches from his face, goading him about the latest Aussie calamity;
"What d'ya think of that Shaaaaaaaane?" Hussain asks in the kind of mock-Australian accent previously thought to have been parodied into extinction in Castlemaine commercials. There can't be too many more degrading feelings than having the endlessly over-rated former England captain gloating at you. It must be even more difficult to take when you are the greatest leg spinner the world has ever seen. Yet Warne is nothing if not a media whore, and was obviously happy to play along with the whole facade.
Banter between the two will be fascinating once the real action gets under way on the night of November 24. Throw in Botham's no-nonsense approach and Mike Atherton's pseudo intellectual philosophising and you have all the ingredients for good TV. Even during long spells of watching Jonathan Trott block Doug Bollinger to short leg.
It's even more exciting because England have a genuine chance to win. With Warne behind the mic, and the likes of Glenn McGrath and Adam Gilchrist also retired this is not a vintage Australian side. If anything England have the edge in the bowling department. Much will depend on whether Nathan Hauritz can develop into the same spin threat that England now have with Swann, and on the form with the bat of skipper Ricky Ponting, Michael Clarke, Marcus North et al.
Sky's coverage began last night with the first day's play of England final warm-up game. They're taking on Australia 'A', and have decided to do so without all four of their main first choice bowlers. They're travelling over to Brisbane to familiarise themselves with conditions and make their final preparations for the start of the first test. In their absence, Chris Tremlett shrugged off some early problems with his line to take 4-54 as Australia were bowled out for 230. Ajmal Shahzad also took 3-57, but I was well in bed before he got in on the action, or indeed before Monty Panesar got his chance to prove himself a viable deputy for Swann. No wicket for 48 off his 20 overs suggests reasonable economy, but perhaps a lack of strike power.
England closed the day on 22-1 having lost Strauss early on for 10. Monty stepped in as night watchman and will most likely be joined by Trott when play resumes at 11.30 pm UK time tonight. Most of England's front-line batsman are involved, with Kevin Pietersen, Paul Collingwood and Ian Bell looking for time in the middle. Eoin Morgan has not been selected for this one, giving Bell the upper hand in what looks a straight fight between the two for that number 6 batting slot.
I'll be up well past midnight to see how they start. I've got Ashes Fever.
It started with the adverts. You know the ones I mean? Sky's super-hyped, grandiose promos for it's own coverage of the event. In the most recent, Sir Ian Botham takes time out from sponsored walks and philandering to act as rebel-rouser to the current England cricket squad, about to embark on another epic Ashes series.
Listening intently to the pep-talk are captain Andrew Strauss, along with Stuart Broad, Graeme Swann and someone else. I forget who. All are decked out in gladiatorial attire, trying manfully to look rugged and manly like Russell Crowe's Maximus. Except they're not really, are they? Broad and Swann could pass easily for women with a bit of slap in the right places, while Strauss is hardly a fearsome figure. His rallying cry as the group runs out onto the field of battle puts me in mind of Austin Healy's barmy bawling during his Paso Doble on Strictly some years ago. It's really not cricket, and yet somehow it still makes you wish your life away until the morning of that first test in Brisbane.
The predecessor to this, the one that really sparked the Ashes Fever, is starred in by Sky's commentary team. Botham has only a bit-part in this one. The true star is Shane Warne. He's having a bad dream. A dream in which all things English have taken over his sub-conscious Australia, where previously hunky surfers look like David Lloyd, and where all the beach babes wear the St.George cross on their bikinis. He wakes up to an even greater nightmare, that of having the Monty Burns-like noggin of Nasser Hussain just inches from his face, goading him about the latest Aussie calamity;
"What d'ya think of that Shaaaaaaaane?" Hussain asks in the kind of mock-Australian accent previously thought to have been parodied into extinction in Castlemaine commercials. There can't be too many more degrading feelings than having the endlessly over-rated former England captain gloating at you. It must be even more difficult to take when you are the greatest leg spinner the world has ever seen. Yet Warne is nothing if not a media whore, and was obviously happy to play along with the whole facade.
Banter between the two will be fascinating once the real action gets under way on the night of November 24. Throw in Botham's no-nonsense approach and Mike Atherton's pseudo intellectual philosophising and you have all the ingredients for good TV. Even during long spells of watching Jonathan Trott block Doug Bollinger to short leg.
It's even more exciting because England have a genuine chance to win. With Warne behind the mic, and the likes of Glenn McGrath and Adam Gilchrist also retired this is not a vintage Australian side. If anything England have the edge in the bowling department. Much will depend on whether Nathan Hauritz can develop into the same spin threat that England now have with Swann, and on the form with the bat of skipper Ricky Ponting, Michael Clarke, Marcus North et al.
Sky's coverage began last night with the first day's play of England final warm-up game. They're taking on Australia 'A', and have decided to do so without all four of their main first choice bowlers. They're travelling over to Brisbane to familiarise themselves with conditions and make their final preparations for the start of the first test. In their absence, Chris Tremlett shrugged off some early problems with his line to take 4-54 as Australia were bowled out for 230. Ajmal Shahzad also took 3-57, but I was well in bed before he got in on the action, or indeed before Monty Panesar got his chance to prove himself a viable deputy for Swann. No wicket for 48 off his 20 overs suggests reasonable economy, but perhaps a lack of strike power.
England closed the day on 22-1 having lost Strauss early on for 10. Monty stepped in as night watchman and will most likely be joined by Trott when play resumes at 11.30 pm UK time tonight. Most of England's front-line batsman are involved, with Kevin Pietersen, Paul Collingwood and Ian Bell looking for time in the middle. Eoin Morgan has not been selected for this one, giving Bell the upper hand in what looks a straight fight between the two for that number 6 batting slot.
I'll be up well past midnight to see how they start. I've got Ashes Fever.
Monday, 15 November 2010
The Four Nations
Saturday evening's BBC sports news bulletin was led with the yawnsome story of how England's rugby union team kicked more penalty goals than Australia's at Twickenham. There then followed a round-up of the day's Premier League football, news on Audley Harrison's humiliating flag-waving antics with David Haye and some other token gesture story about tiddlywinks or ballet on ice.
No rugby league. This despite the fact that 12 hours earlier Australia and New Zealand had slugged it out in the final of the Four Nations tournament. In a thrilling finale, the kiwis earned a last-gasp win thanks to a gloriously forward pass in the build-up to Nathan Fien's try. Any late misfortune which befalls Australia is entertainment enough, but this had been the culmination of a full on, all-action masterclass of athleticism and courage. Rugby league, in other words.
Australia v New Zealand is always like that, yet the southern biased media choose to ignore it. This is mostly due to deep rooted class rivalries, but more latterly to the fact that the rest of the international scene in rugby league is something of a shambles. The final was a great advert for it, but the Four Nations has been less than competetive generally. We've known for two weeks who would be contesting the final following the round-robin format, leading to a largely unsatisfying 'dress rehearsal' between the two finalists in the last round of pool matches. Meanwhile England took on Papua New Guinea in a meaningless clash that same weekend.
Papua New Guinea have contributed little. Many of their NRL and Super League players were unavailable through injury and a scratch side was blown away by both New Zealand and Australia. They put up a tougher fight against England for a while, but any team which allows Tony Clubb to stroll in for four tries might not quite be up to it at international level. They will be replaced by Wales in next year's tournament in the UK, giving some idea of the level of indecision and dithering which dogs the actions of the international board. Ireland, Fiji, Tonga, Samoa or even Scotland could just as easily have won the right to be the next side to be blitzed by the big two, and held at arms length by a flagging England.
For their part England were a massive let down. This column is unquestionably biased, but it's writer still finds it hard to believe that only two St.Helens players were deemed good enough for selection by coach Steve McNamara. St.Helens are in decline they say, based on the fact that they have managed to lose in each of the last four Grand Finals. You have to get there to lose.
Instead McNamara chose to go with almost the entire Huddersfield squad. Kevin Brown started at the pivotal stand-off position in the opener against New Zealand, and he was joined on the field at various points by Luke Robinson and Darryl Griffin. Eorl Crabtree, Leroy Cudjoe and Shaun Lunt also made the squad, yet there were no places for Paul Wellens, Jon Wilkin or Bryn Hargreaves. Leon Price is injured but has been left out repeatedly by McNamara, while injury also denied England the elusive skills of half-back Kyle Eastmond.
England were in the New Zealand game for a time but it turned when Brown's try was disallowed for a slight push on Greg Eastwood in the in-goal area. It was the right call, and in truth England never really convinced anyone that they were good enough to get over the top of the New Zealanders. The decision to appoint James Graham as captain was a bold but slightly strange one given that there are players with greater experience in the set-up. Gareth Ellis is that rare breed, an English player who commands the respect of the Australians thanks to his successful stint with Wests Tigers in the NRL, and might have made a more imposing leader in the absence of another NRL veteran, Adrian Morley aswell as Leeds talisman Jamie Peacock. All of which is a little unfair on Graham, who never gives you anything but graft and gob and put in peformances of which he can be proud.
Indeed the forward pack held their own most of the way, even in the 34-14 defeat to Australia which followed the New Zealand loss. It is in the backs where England lag behind. Cudjoe was exposed at right centre more than once, while wingers Darrell Goulding and Tom Briscoe were guilty of poor positioning and poor handling leading to Australian tries in the first half carnage. They don't seem to make up for it in attack either, lacking the genuine speed and the guile that you could always say was present in England and Great Britain teams of years gone by. The Giants half-back pairing of Brown and Robinson fails to excite at this level, and the explosive impact expected of Tomkins simply failed to materialise.
At full-back Gareth Widdop was omitted in favour of Sam Tomkins, and not without good reason. Widdop plays his rugby in Australia with the Melbourne Storm but is very much second fiddle to the brilliant Billy Slater in that position. On the evidence of his performance against New Zealand Widdop would not get into a top four Super League side if he came back to ply his trade in his homeland. How Wellens does not even merit a place in the squad is beyond my comprehension. He is associated with the so-called old guard who have repeatedly failed to deliver against the Australians and Kiwis in recent years, but even a modest analysis of his Super League season will show that he is positionally faultless in defence, technically outstanding in the tackle, and as consistent as any full-back in world rugby. Only a lack of pace prevents him from challenging Slater for the title of the best full-back in the world, but Wellens was never quick when he was first choice for Great Britain or England.
McNamara picked the wrong squad, although he could have done with more luck with injuries. Danny McGuire got injured in Leeds' play-off defeat to Wigan, joining an injury list that already included Price,Peacock and Eastmond, while Morley and Michael Shenton picked up injuries early in the tour. Yet this just makes the omission of Wellens aswell as Leeds pair Rob Burrow and Kevin Sinfield all the more staggering. The old guard weren't doing the job, so McNamara's skewed logic inspired him to go with players who regularly play at a level below even that.
It's hard to see how we can improve next year. Negotiating neutral referees would help following the complete porridge made of the job by Australian Tony Archer in the game against the old enemy. So too would ending the ridiculous practice of allowing players to change allegiances, which gives the Australians and Kiwis the pick of the best players already with experience of playing for South Pacific Island nations. Yet through all of this we really need to look at ourselves, at our club structure and our coaching selection if we are to pose a genuine threat to world rugby league's duopoly.
No rugby league. This despite the fact that 12 hours earlier Australia and New Zealand had slugged it out in the final of the Four Nations tournament. In a thrilling finale, the kiwis earned a last-gasp win thanks to a gloriously forward pass in the build-up to Nathan Fien's try. Any late misfortune which befalls Australia is entertainment enough, but this had been the culmination of a full on, all-action masterclass of athleticism and courage. Rugby league, in other words.
Australia v New Zealand is always like that, yet the southern biased media choose to ignore it. This is mostly due to deep rooted class rivalries, but more latterly to the fact that the rest of the international scene in rugby league is something of a shambles. The final was a great advert for it, but the Four Nations has been less than competetive generally. We've known for two weeks who would be contesting the final following the round-robin format, leading to a largely unsatisfying 'dress rehearsal' between the two finalists in the last round of pool matches. Meanwhile England took on Papua New Guinea in a meaningless clash that same weekend.
Papua New Guinea have contributed little. Many of their NRL and Super League players were unavailable through injury and a scratch side was blown away by both New Zealand and Australia. They put up a tougher fight against England for a while, but any team which allows Tony Clubb to stroll in for four tries might not quite be up to it at international level. They will be replaced by Wales in next year's tournament in the UK, giving some idea of the level of indecision and dithering which dogs the actions of the international board. Ireland, Fiji, Tonga, Samoa or even Scotland could just as easily have won the right to be the next side to be blitzed by the big two, and held at arms length by a flagging England.
For their part England were a massive let down. This column is unquestionably biased, but it's writer still finds it hard to believe that only two St.Helens players were deemed good enough for selection by coach Steve McNamara. St.Helens are in decline they say, based on the fact that they have managed to lose in each of the last four Grand Finals. You have to get there to lose.
Instead McNamara chose to go with almost the entire Huddersfield squad. Kevin Brown started at the pivotal stand-off position in the opener against New Zealand, and he was joined on the field at various points by Luke Robinson and Darryl Griffin. Eorl Crabtree, Leroy Cudjoe and Shaun Lunt also made the squad, yet there were no places for Paul Wellens, Jon Wilkin or Bryn Hargreaves. Leon Price is injured but has been left out repeatedly by McNamara, while injury also denied England the elusive skills of half-back Kyle Eastmond.
England were in the New Zealand game for a time but it turned when Brown's try was disallowed for a slight push on Greg Eastwood in the in-goal area. It was the right call, and in truth England never really convinced anyone that they were good enough to get over the top of the New Zealanders. The decision to appoint James Graham as captain was a bold but slightly strange one given that there are players with greater experience in the set-up. Gareth Ellis is that rare breed, an English player who commands the respect of the Australians thanks to his successful stint with Wests Tigers in the NRL, and might have made a more imposing leader in the absence of another NRL veteran, Adrian Morley aswell as Leeds talisman Jamie Peacock. All of which is a little unfair on Graham, who never gives you anything but graft and gob and put in peformances of which he can be proud.
Indeed the forward pack held their own most of the way, even in the 34-14 defeat to Australia which followed the New Zealand loss. It is in the backs where England lag behind. Cudjoe was exposed at right centre more than once, while wingers Darrell Goulding and Tom Briscoe were guilty of poor positioning and poor handling leading to Australian tries in the first half carnage. They don't seem to make up for it in attack either, lacking the genuine speed and the guile that you could always say was present in England and Great Britain teams of years gone by. The Giants half-back pairing of Brown and Robinson fails to excite at this level, and the explosive impact expected of Tomkins simply failed to materialise.
At full-back Gareth Widdop was omitted in favour of Sam Tomkins, and not without good reason. Widdop plays his rugby in Australia with the Melbourne Storm but is very much second fiddle to the brilliant Billy Slater in that position. On the evidence of his performance against New Zealand Widdop would not get into a top four Super League side if he came back to ply his trade in his homeland. How Wellens does not even merit a place in the squad is beyond my comprehension. He is associated with the so-called old guard who have repeatedly failed to deliver against the Australians and Kiwis in recent years, but even a modest analysis of his Super League season will show that he is positionally faultless in defence, technically outstanding in the tackle, and as consistent as any full-back in world rugby. Only a lack of pace prevents him from challenging Slater for the title of the best full-back in the world, but Wellens was never quick when he was first choice for Great Britain or England.
McNamara picked the wrong squad, although he could have done with more luck with injuries. Danny McGuire got injured in Leeds' play-off defeat to Wigan, joining an injury list that already included Price,Peacock and Eastmond, while Morley and Michael Shenton picked up injuries early in the tour. Yet this just makes the omission of Wellens aswell as Leeds pair Rob Burrow and Kevin Sinfield all the more staggering. The old guard weren't doing the job, so McNamara's skewed logic inspired him to go with players who regularly play at a level below even that.
It's hard to see how we can improve next year. Negotiating neutral referees would help following the complete porridge made of the job by Australian Tony Archer in the game against the old enemy. So too would ending the ridiculous practice of allowing players to change allegiances, which gives the Australians and Kiwis the pick of the best players already with experience of playing for South Pacific Island nations. Yet through all of this we really need to look at ourselves, at our club structure and our coaching selection if we are to pose a genuine threat to world rugby league's duopoly.
Friday, 5 November 2010
The NFL For Heathens
Following my recent post on the NFL game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Denver Broncos at Wembley there were some (well two) interesting comments. One accused me of being a turncoat for daring to watch a sport that patently is not rugby league, and another just wanted more information. More information, or else forget about it completely and just get something written about The Ashes and/or ice hockey.
The former is ironic since it came from a passionate Manchester United fan. What sport do they play? Apart from bitching, whining and time-keeping that is.
The Ashes does hold my interest and, if I can wangle some flexi or annual leave, there will be nights when I sit up watching ball-by-ball coverage of some part of the test match series. Yet it is still three weeks away and, given my knowledge of ice hockey is limited to the player database on the fantastic Nintendo Wii version of NHL 2K10, I'm going to have a go at explaining the NFL to, as the comment put it, the Heathens. Yes, that's you if you have never heard of Peyton Manning and you think that the term Nickelback refers to a drawling rock band with questionable facial hair.
To be honest, you really should know something about this by now. Coverage of the NFL in the UK started in 1982. Back then bearded midget Nicky Horne was the presenter, despite the fact that he knew about as much about the sport as you do. Yet his impish, sinister appearance belied a friendly charm. It was that charm which helped those of us with enough patience to endure obnoxious American culture to learn together.
By the mid-80's American Football and the NFL was as popular as big hair and rampant capitalism. Ok, maybe not that popular but you weren't really anyone if you hadn't by now chosen your team. Mine was the 49ers, based entirely on the fact that they won the first game I ever saw, SuperBowl XIX. That's 19 to those of us still living in the real world. They defeated the Miami Dolphins 38-16 and a glory hunter was born.
The 49ers were led by ice cool Joe Montana, while the Dolphins had the gun-slinging, record-breaking but ultimately trophy-less Dan Marino at quarterback. For the purposes of the idiot's guide the quarterback is the most important player in the team. So long as his team have the ball, that is. When they don't, he gets to sit down by the heater/fan (delete as appropriate) and sip on some Gatorade. It's the quarterback's job to guide the team in possession of the ball (the offense) down the field towards the opponents goal-line and, if he's been really good, the end zone.
He does this by either passing it forwards downfield to fast players with good hands known as wide receivers, by handing it off to to quick, powerful and elusive running backs, or by tucking it under his arm and running like Hell rugby-style. This third option is the rarest seen, as most quarterbacks have all the mobility of a slug pulling a BMX up a mountain. There is another eligible ball carrier and receiver on the 'offense', the amusingly named tight end, though many teams use theirs as an extra blocker to open up space for the speed men.
The rest of the offense is made up of tough, chunky blokes whose job it is simply to block any defensive players charging at and walloping the quarterback. The first objective of any defence is to tackle or 'sack' the quarterback to force the offence backwards. This is mainly the job of defensive linemen, although the more athletic linebackers are often adept at sacking also, while the defensive backs are charged with the job of man-marking any potential pass receivers.
Of course this is a pretty difficult job so the defence doesn't have to to do it all day with no reward. The offence gets four attempts to move the ball 10 yards. These attempts, or downs as they are known, are a series of set plays in which the central offensive lineman (the centre) passes (snaps) the ball back between his legs to the quarterback following some indecipherable shouting and coded messaging that appears to always end with the word 'hutt'. There is nobody in the known universe who knows why this should be the trigger word. It just is.
If the ball cannot be advanced the 10 yards needed for a new set of 'downs' then the offense is faced with a choice. They can either 'punt' the ball downfield (similar to a territorial kick downfield in rugby league or union) or, if they are close enough, attempt a field goal. For both of these acts a specialist player is used, one whom you will not see on the field for any other situation except perhaps a kick-off following a score or at the start of each half.
For field goals, the kicker stands about eight yards behind the snapper and waits for a team-mate to hold the ball for the kick. The goalposts are at the back of the end zone so if a team is stopped on third down 10 yards from the end zone, the field goal will cover those 10 yards, the eight yards back to the holder and the kicker, and the 10 yards from the goal-line to the goalposts, making it a 28-yard attempt. That's not important really, but Americans love nothing if not stats. Counting yardage in American football is almost it's raison d'etre.
What is important is the scoring system. There are numerous ways to score in American Football, which is a concept which a lot of footbal fans I know seem to struggle to get their heads around. The scoring methods are;
Touchdown 6 Points - Carrying the ball into or catching it inside the end zone.
Extra Point 1 Point - Following a touchdown the scoring team gets the chance to add a further point by kicking a field goal. The ball is placed at the two-yard line for this attempt.
Two-Point Conversion - As it's name implies this is worth two points following a touchdown (making a total of 8 if successful). A team can choose to run or pass the ball back into the end zone rather than attempt an extra point via a field goal. Again the ball is placed at the two-yard line for this attempt.
Field Goal - Three Points - A team running out of downs may elect to kick for goal if they have advanced close enough to the opponents' goal-post.
Safety - Two Points - The only score which can be achieved solely by a team's defence, a safety is achieved by tackling the ball carrier (most often the quarterback) behind his own goal line and so in his own end zone.
So they're the basics on the field, now to choose your team. The NFL comprises 32 teams who are split into two 16-team conferences. The original NFL (National Football League) and AFL (American Football League) were rival organisations in years gone by, but by 1966 they had decided to pit their wits against each other to see which was the strongest. So, the Super Bowl concept was born. By 1970 the AFL had been completely swallowed up by the NFL and after some random re-alignment, the NFC (National Football Conference) and AFC (Yes you guessed it, American Football Conference) were formed.
The carving doesn't end there. Each conference has four divisions, a north, south, east and west division, all of which have four teams. In the main these have been created according to the geography, but nothing short of a flat out refusal to do away with old rivalries keeps the San Francisco 49ers in the same division as the St.Louis Rams. Teams will play each of the teams in their own division both home and away to account for six of their 16 fixtures, and will play four more against the teams in one of the divisions from the opposite conference. This rotates each season so that if the NFC West 49ers play against the teams in the AFC West this season, they might play against the teams from the AFC East the following season, then the South and finally the North in the fourth year of the cycle.
The remaining six games on the schedule seem arbitrary to the casual observer, but they are based on the final standings from the previous season. A team finishing with a poor win-loss record will in theory be given fixtures against similarly poor teams, while the previous season's big-shots will be more likely to face off against their toughest competitors from elsewhere in the Conference. At the end of it all, each division winner and the two teams with the next best win-loss records in each conference advance to the play-offs. The majority of these are played within conference, with the only exception being the Super Bowl. The all-singing, all-dancing NFL extravaganza sees the NFC champion lock horns with the AFC champion in a winner-takes-all fight to the death. Well, till the next advert break at any rate.
To help you decide upon your team, here's a less than handy guide;
AFC East
Miami Dolphins - Popular in the 80's thanks to Marino. Silly nickname but good enough for Ace Ventura.
New England Patriots - A UK favourite due largely to the presence of the word 'England' in their name. Hugely successful in recent years under legendary coach Bill Belichek and quarterback Tom Brady.
New York Jets - An acquired taste. Green uniforms.
Buffalo Bills - Lost four Super Bowls in a row in the early 90's, but have been routinely awful for some time now.
AFC West
San Diego Chargers - Currently very strong but never seem to get over that final hurdle of actually winning a Super Bowl.
Oakland Raiders - Formerly the Los Angeles Raiders (teams can move cities on a whim, isn't that great? Er.....no) the silver and black were massive in the 70's and 80's, especially under the coaching of John Madden.
Denver Broncos - Twice Super Bowl winnners in the late 90's with John Elway at the helm, but pretty average these days.
Kansas City Chiefs - Terminally mediocre, although they did win Super Bowl IV in 1970.
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers - Super Bowl champions a record six times, the last of those coming in 2008 with victory over the Arizona Cardinals.
Cleveland Browns - A team with a complicated history, but they are actually one of the newest NFL franchises. It's a long story involving.........
Baltimore Ravens - Began life aeons ago as...........the Cleveland Browns. Moved to Baltimore to allow someone to start a franchise called.........the Cleveland Browns. The Ravens are a solid contender built on a fantastic defence.
Cincinnati Bengals - Despite signing star wide receiver Terrell Owens in 2010 the Bengals are just one of those sides that always come up short.
AFC South
Indianapolis Colts - A popular choice these days thanks to an explosive offense led by the Marino-esque Peyton Manning. Formerly the Baltimore Colts until........oh...we're not going there again.
Tenessee Titans - Presently dominated by the exploits of running back Chris Johnson, who routinely runs for over 2,000 yards in a season and is on course to break the all-time rushing record. Unfortunately this makes the Titans rather one-dimensional and stops them winning more often.
Houston Texans - Another new franchise who are rapidly improving. Their time will come, soon.
Jacksonville Jaguars Florida's third team struggle to take the headlines from the Dolphins and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys - The self proclaimed 'America's Team' are loathed by many for this very reason, but they have a tradition of success having won five Super Bowls. Not this year though, with just one win from their first seven outings.
New York Giants - Super Bowl champions just a few seasons ago, the Giants are infinitely better than the Jets and are led by Peyton Manning's younger, more petulant brother Eli.
Washington Redskins - Another firm favourite with Brits after a successful period during the early 80's under coach Joe Gibbs, quarterback Joe Theismann and running machine John Riggins. Haven't won a Super Bowl since 1991, however.
Philadelphia Eagles - Coach Andy Reid is one of the best in the NFL, but somehow the Eagles have never been quite strong enough to go all the way.
NFC West
San Francisco 49ers - Don't make the mistake I did. This lot promised much this year and have been woeful, winning only two out of eight so far. Five Super Bowls in the 80's and 90's represents a glorious past, however.
Arizona Cardinals - Unexpected Super Bowl runners-up two years ago, the Cardinals have faded back into obscurity. Receiver Larry Fitzgerald could be the best in the league. Arizone used to be the St.Louis Cardinals until........D'oh!
St.Louis Rams - The ironies are everywhere aren't they? The Rams swept to the 1999 championship with the offence known as the Greatest Show On Turf. Then running back Marshall Faulk retired and quarterback Curt Warner ended up in Arizona.
Seattle Seahawks - The Seahawks are traditional AFC West rivals but were moved over to the NFC for somone's benefit a decade or so ago. They have been to the Super Bowl since, but don't threaten to return any time soon.
NFC North
Chicago Bears - In 1985 the Bears captured the public's imagination as William 'The Refrigerator' Perry wobbled his way across the goal-line for several touchdowns despite having been brought in to play on defence. Brash quarterback Jim McMahon and legendary runner Walter Payton added a nice blend for the Super Bowl XX winners, who will challenge again this year.
Green Bay Packers - Won the first two Super Bowls ever played, and were so revered that coach Vince Lombardi even had the Super Bowl trophy named after him. The Packers added another one in the 90's and are strong contenders this time out too.
Detroit Lions - Have the honour of having been home to the league's greatest ever running back in Barry Sanders. Otherwise. Forget. It.
Minnesota Vikings - Pensionable quarterback Brett Favre is still trying to relive his glory days in Green Bay. And failing. The Vikings can match the Bills dismal record of having lost four Super Bowl games.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons - The epitome of inconsistency at the moment, though should present a strong challenge soon. Once had the only Brit playing in the NFL in place-kicker Mick Luckhurst.
New Orleans Saints - Current Super Bowl champions, the Saints had never even reached the playoffs until the mid 90's. Strong again this year, with Drew Breese proving himself to among the best passers in the NFL.
Tampa Bay Bucaneers - Champions in 2002, the Glazer-owned Bucs have a mocked up pirate's ship at one end of their stadium. What could be better than that? And they used to wear orange.
Carolina Panthers - After a brief flirtation with the NFC West, the Panthers have proven just as adept at pointless mediocrity down south.
The former is ironic since it came from a passionate Manchester United fan. What sport do they play? Apart from bitching, whining and time-keeping that is.
The Ashes does hold my interest and, if I can wangle some flexi or annual leave, there will be nights when I sit up watching ball-by-ball coverage of some part of the test match series. Yet it is still three weeks away and, given my knowledge of ice hockey is limited to the player database on the fantastic Nintendo Wii version of NHL 2K10, I'm going to have a go at explaining the NFL to, as the comment put it, the Heathens. Yes, that's you if you have never heard of Peyton Manning and you think that the term Nickelback refers to a drawling rock band with questionable facial hair.
To be honest, you really should know something about this by now. Coverage of the NFL in the UK started in 1982. Back then bearded midget Nicky Horne was the presenter, despite the fact that he knew about as much about the sport as you do. Yet his impish, sinister appearance belied a friendly charm. It was that charm which helped those of us with enough patience to endure obnoxious American culture to learn together.
By the mid-80's American Football and the NFL was as popular as big hair and rampant capitalism. Ok, maybe not that popular but you weren't really anyone if you hadn't by now chosen your team. Mine was the 49ers, based entirely on the fact that they won the first game I ever saw, SuperBowl XIX. That's 19 to those of us still living in the real world. They defeated the Miami Dolphins 38-16 and a glory hunter was born.
The 49ers were led by ice cool Joe Montana, while the Dolphins had the gun-slinging, record-breaking but ultimately trophy-less Dan Marino at quarterback. For the purposes of the idiot's guide the quarterback is the most important player in the team. So long as his team have the ball, that is. When they don't, he gets to sit down by the heater/fan (delete as appropriate) and sip on some Gatorade. It's the quarterback's job to guide the team in possession of the ball (the offense) down the field towards the opponents goal-line and, if he's been really good, the end zone.
He does this by either passing it forwards downfield to fast players with good hands known as wide receivers, by handing it off to to quick, powerful and elusive running backs, or by tucking it under his arm and running like Hell rugby-style. This third option is the rarest seen, as most quarterbacks have all the mobility of a slug pulling a BMX up a mountain. There is another eligible ball carrier and receiver on the 'offense', the amusingly named tight end, though many teams use theirs as an extra blocker to open up space for the speed men.
The rest of the offense is made up of tough, chunky blokes whose job it is simply to block any defensive players charging at and walloping the quarterback. The first objective of any defence is to tackle or 'sack' the quarterback to force the offence backwards. This is mainly the job of defensive linemen, although the more athletic linebackers are often adept at sacking also, while the defensive backs are charged with the job of man-marking any potential pass receivers.
Of course this is a pretty difficult job so the defence doesn't have to to do it all day with no reward. The offence gets four attempts to move the ball 10 yards. These attempts, or downs as they are known, are a series of set plays in which the central offensive lineman (the centre) passes (snaps) the ball back between his legs to the quarterback following some indecipherable shouting and coded messaging that appears to always end with the word 'hutt'. There is nobody in the known universe who knows why this should be the trigger word. It just is.
If the ball cannot be advanced the 10 yards needed for a new set of 'downs' then the offense is faced with a choice. They can either 'punt' the ball downfield (similar to a territorial kick downfield in rugby league or union) or, if they are close enough, attempt a field goal. For both of these acts a specialist player is used, one whom you will not see on the field for any other situation except perhaps a kick-off following a score or at the start of each half.
For field goals, the kicker stands about eight yards behind the snapper and waits for a team-mate to hold the ball for the kick. The goalposts are at the back of the end zone so if a team is stopped on third down 10 yards from the end zone, the field goal will cover those 10 yards, the eight yards back to the holder and the kicker, and the 10 yards from the goal-line to the goalposts, making it a 28-yard attempt. That's not important really, but Americans love nothing if not stats. Counting yardage in American football is almost it's raison d'etre.
What is important is the scoring system. There are numerous ways to score in American Football, which is a concept which a lot of footbal fans I know seem to struggle to get their heads around. The scoring methods are;
Touchdown 6 Points - Carrying the ball into or catching it inside the end zone.
Extra Point 1 Point - Following a touchdown the scoring team gets the chance to add a further point by kicking a field goal. The ball is placed at the two-yard line for this attempt.
Two-Point Conversion - As it's name implies this is worth two points following a touchdown (making a total of 8 if successful). A team can choose to run or pass the ball back into the end zone rather than attempt an extra point via a field goal. Again the ball is placed at the two-yard line for this attempt.
Field Goal - Three Points - A team running out of downs may elect to kick for goal if they have advanced close enough to the opponents' goal-post.
Safety - Two Points - The only score which can be achieved solely by a team's defence, a safety is achieved by tackling the ball carrier (most often the quarterback) behind his own goal line and so in his own end zone.
So they're the basics on the field, now to choose your team. The NFL comprises 32 teams who are split into two 16-team conferences. The original NFL (National Football League) and AFL (American Football League) were rival organisations in years gone by, but by 1966 they had decided to pit their wits against each other to see which was the strongest. So, the Super Bowl concept was born. By 1970 the AFL had been completely swallowed up by the NFL and after some random re-alignment, the NFC (National Football Conference) and AFC (Yes you guessed it, American Football Conference) were formed.
The carving doesn't end there. Each conference has four divisions, a north, south, east and west division, all of which have four teams. In the main these have been created according to the geography, but nothing short of a flat out refusal to do away with old rivalries keeps the San Francisco 49ers in the same division as the St.Louis Rams. Teams will play each of the teams in their own division both home and away to account for six of their 16 fixtures, and will play four more against the teams in one of the divisions from the opposite conference. This rotates each season so that if the NFC West 49ers play against the teams in the AFC West this season, they might play against the teams from the AFC East the following season, then the South and finally the North in the fourth year of the cycle.
The remaining six games on the schedule seem arbitrary to the casual observer, but they are based on the final standings from the previous season. A team finishing with a poor win-loss record will in theory be given fixtures against similarly poor teams, while the previous season's big-shots will be more likely to face off against their toughest competitors from elsewhere in the Conference. At the end of it all, each division winner and the two teams with the next best win-loss records in each conference advance to the play-offs. The majority of these are played within conference, with the only exception being the Super Bowl. The all-singing, all-dancing NFL extravaganza sees the NFC champion lock horns with the AFC champion in a winner-takes-all fight to the death. Well, till the next advert break at any rate.
To help you decide upon your team, here's a less than handy guide;
AFC East
Miami Dolphins - Popular in the 80's thanks to Marino. Silly nickname but good enough for Ace Ventura.
New England Patriots - A UK favourite due largely to the presence of the word 'England' in their name. Hugely successful in recent years under legendary coach Bill Belichek and quarterback Tom Brady.
New York Jets - An acquired taste. Green uniforms.
Buffalo Bills - Lost four Super Bowls in a row in the early 90's, but have been routinely awful for some time now.
AFC West
San Diego Chargers - Currently very strong but never seem to get over that final hurdle of actually winning a Super Bowl.
Oakland Raiders - Formerly the Los Angeles Raiders (teams can move cities on a whim, isn't that great? Er.....no) the silver and black were massive in the 70's and 80's, especially under the coaching of John Madden.
Denver Broncos - Twice Super Bowl winnners in the late 90's with John Elway at the helm, but pretty average these days.
Kansas City Chiefs - Terminally mediocre, although they did win Super Bowl IV in 1970.
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers - Super Bowl champions a record six times, the last of those coming in 2008 with victory over the Arizona Cardinals.
Cleveland Browns - A team with a complicated history, but they are actually one of the newest NFL franchises. It's a long story involving.........
Baltimore Ravens - Began life aeons ago as...........the Cleveland Browns. Moved to Baltimore to allow someone to start a franchise called.........the Cleveland Browns. The Ravens are a solid contender built on a fantastic defence.
Cincinnati Bengals - Despite signing star wide receiver Terrell Owens in 2010 the Bengals are just one of those sides that always come up short.
AFC South
Indianapolis Colts - A popular choice these days thanks to an explosive offense led by the Marino-esque Peyton Manning. Formerly the Baltimore Colts until........oh...we're not going there again.
Tenessee Titans - Presently dominated by the exploits of running back Chris Johnson, who routinely runs for over 2,000 yards in a season and is on course to break the all-time rushing record. Unfortunately this makes the Titans rather one-dimensional and stops them winning more often.
Houston Texans - Another new franchise who are rapidly improving. Their time will come, soon.
Jacksonville Jaguars Florida's third team struggle to take the headlines from the Dolphins and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
NFC East
Dallas Cowboys - The self proclaimed 'America's Team' are loathed by many for this very reason, but they have a tradition of success having won five Super Bowls. Not this year though, with just one win from their first seven outings.
New York Giants - Super Bowl champions just a few seasons ago, the Giants are infinitely better than the Jets and are led by Peyton Manning's younger, more petulant brother Eli.
Washington Redskins - Another firm favourite with Brits after a successful period during the early 80's under coach Joe Gibbs, quarterback Joe Theismann and running machine John Riggins. Haven't won a Super Bowl since 1991, however.
Philadelphia Eagles - Coach Andy Reid is one of the best in the NFL, but somehow the Eagles have never been quite strong enough to go all the way.
NFC West
San Francisco 49ers - Don't make the mistake I did. This lot promised much this year and have been woeful, winning only two out of eight so far. Five Super Bowls in the 80's and 90's represents a glorious past, however.
Arizona Cardinals - Unexpected Super Bowl runners-up two years ago, the Cardinals have faded back into obscurity. Receiver Larry Fitzgerald could be the best in the league. Arizone used to be the St.Louis Cardinals until........D'oh!
St.Louis Rams - The ironies are everywhere aren't they? The Rams swept to the 1999 championship with the offence known as the Greatest Show On Turf. Then running back Marshall Faulk retired and quarterback Curt Warner ended up in Arizona.
Seattle Seahawks - The Seahawks are traditional AFC West rivals but were moved over to the NFC for somone's benefit a decade or so ago. They have been to the Super Bowl since, but don't threaten to return any time soon.
NFC North
Chicago Bears - In 1985 the Bears captured the public's imagination as William 'The Refrigerator' Perry wobbled his way across the goal-line for several touchdowns despite having been brought in to play on defence. Brash quarterback Jim McMahon and legendary runner Walter Payton added a nice blend for the Super Bowl XX winners, who will challenge again this year.
Green Bay Packers - Won the first two Super Bowls ever played, and were so revered that coach Vince Lombardi even had the Super Bowl trophy named after him. The Packers added another one in the 90's and are strong contenders this time out too.
Detroit Lions - Have the honour of having been home to the league's greatest ever running back in Barry Sanders. Otherwise. Forget. It.
Minnesota Vikings - Pensionable quarterback Brett Favre is still trying to relive his glory days in Green Bay. And failing. The Vikings can match the Bills dismal record of having lost four Super Bowl games.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons - The epitome of inconsistency at the moment, though should present a strong challenge soon. Once had the only Brit playing in the NFL in place-kicker Mick Luckhurst.
New Orleans Saints - Current Super Bowl champions, the Saints had never even reached the playoffs until the mid 90's. Strong again this year, with Drew Breese proving himself to among the best passers in the NFL.
Tampa Bay Bucaneers - Champions in 2002, the Glazer-owned Bucs have a mocked up pirate's ship at one end of their stadium. What could be better than that? And they used to wear orange.
Carolina Panthers - After a brief flirtation with the NFC West, the Panthers have proven just as adept at pointless mediocrity down south.
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