Today I bring good news for all sports fans who have ever experienced disappointment. And let's face it, that's all of us, right?
Whether you support Manchester United or Macclesfield Town, St.Helens or London Skolars, Lancashire or Glamorgan there is a way out of your despair. Fed up of reminiscing with your mates about how you were robbed at Wembley/Old Trafford/Lords all those years ago? Well, why not just change the result?
That's the brilliant plan devised by the International Cricket Council (ICC) today, who change the result of a test match played between England and Pakistan almost two years ago. The match was originally awarded to England (and Lord knows they need all the victories that come their way, however they come) after Pakistan failed to take the field following allegations of ball-tampering. It was a to-do which led to the exile of umpire Daryl Hair (who interestingly has no hair, think Frank Beard from ZZ Top), and which called into question the integrity of Pakistan cricket and in particular the captain at that time, Inzamam Ul-Haq.
No matter, as today the ICC decreed that the match should be called a draw. All of which creates a dangerous precedent. Three-nil down at half-time to AC Milan? Fourteen points adrift of the Bradford Bulls at Wembley? Facing the humiliation of an innings defeat by Australia at Headingley? No need to bother with miraculous comebacks, just stay in the dressing room for a while. It may take two years, but eventually the spanking you are currently taking will be transformed into a face-saving draw. What could be more simple. You might even get the chance to play extra-time. Or shall we just go straight to penalties like the Italians would like to have done in their Euro 2008 quarter-final with Spain? Much good it did them.
Staying with cricket the England squads for the first test against South Africa next week and the ICC trophy were named this afternoon. Freddie failed to make the grade as England named an unchanged test squad, while 30 names are under consideration for the ICC trophy. They include Simon Jones who despite being Welsh, was one of England's better performers in the 2005 Ashes series. Living on past glories? England? Preposterous. To be fair, Jones has been ripping through division two sides in the County Championship recently, but that's a far cry from saving England's absymal one day team.
Elsewhere the Williams sisters qualified for the ladies singles final at Wimbledon this afternoon. Ignoring the drudgery of their one-sided victories, let's jump straight to the press conference. Elena Dementieva had been asked by one sensitive scribe how she felt an all-Williams final might turn out, to which she replied that it would be a 'family decision'. One gallant female journalist attempted to defend the Russian by citing the language barrier as mitigation, but a male counterpart preferred to assume that the term 'family decision' was more Don Corleone than Don't understand. Suitably affronted, Venus responded to all of this by branding all parties 'disrespectful' and refused to be drawn any further. It was one of the highlights of Wimbledon so far, which isn't saying all that much given that the previous best was Andy Murray's growling and posturing during his comeback win over Richard Gasquet.
Today's tedious Cristiano Ronaldo story concerns the greedy dribbler's fitness. Or lack thereof. Having plucked up the courage to visit Manchester United's medical staff the Portuguese found out that he needs ankle surgery fairly sharpish. So the question might not be who will he be playing for next season, but when will he be playing next season? Looks like Russian star Andrei Arshavin will join countryman Roman Abramovich at Chelsea, even though Arsenal have expressed an interest. More laughably, one newspaper which will remain clueless suggested that Phil Scolari has demanded that the club sell Didier Drogba to make way for Samuel Eto'o. Tsk, he'll be asking them to keep the ball on the floor next.
Tomorrow, mens semi-final day at Wimbledon, Friends Provident Trophy semi-finals and the filthy, hated, cherry and white shite against Leeds Rhinos in Super League. Now that is writing to persuade if ever you saw it.
Stephen Orford
3 July 2008
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